i remember saying this to a Christian friend of mine way back in elementary school when she kept freaking out about her marks. and i guess at the time it made so much sense... after this life is through, it's not like God's gonna look at our transcripts and report cards of the past and say "mmm.. you only got a B average... sorry... can't let you in." and yet in knowing all of this, i still find myself in the midst of worry whenever i get a 70 on a project. i get into this downward spiral dreading handing in the next project for fear that i'll get another 70 or even worse. that was the case today with one of the projects i got back for design... 28.5/40... sigh... 71%... that's like BARELY a B... and hours after the initial shock and blow to my self-esteem, i'm still wondering why i got that mark. i question my abilities and skills and whether i really do belong to this "prestigious" design program... i question the teacher... and border on a bit of bitterness and anger, and i somewhat question God as well, wondering why i don't do better... then i question my next project... is it really good enuff? will it get me that A that i so long for for some unknown reason? so many questions... and in retrospect they really are quite pointless...
so in the midst of all these thoughts... here i am in class during our break... and i can suddenly hear this still, small voice singing a few lines from this song:
it's a peace that the world, cannot understand..."
and somehow, like instinct to satisfy a need, i turn to my bible... and i read up a l'il on greed... (while looking for the verse that the song comes from) and this is what i get:
colossians 5:9
“Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.”
luke 12:15
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
matthew 6:19-21
ever think that desiring for marks and always longing for that A and A+ can be a form of greed? yah.. neither did i.. then it hit me... that it is... cuz i'm not being content with what i have... with the mark that i got. not to say that i shouldn't strive for my best... but once i've put forth my best effort in the time that i've been allotted, there isn't much else that i can do but learn and strive for better next time, right? but here's my dilemma, how do you find that happy balance between striving for better next time and getting greedy for good marks? and that last verse in matthew really put things into perspective... cuz when i leave this place forever, i don't get to take any of my projects, tests, etc. with me... i don't even get to bring a grade slip with me... so while i work for things that are temporary, what am i doing to work for things that are eternal? and that last part about where your treasure is, there your heart will be also... i guess for those who really know me they know that my heart ultimately wants to be with God and His people, but my actions are proving otherwise as i often ignore or forget about the things that my heart supposedly really cares about for the sake of the project that's due the next day.
guess this has really been a week of epiphanies... cuz on monday i found that if i'm gonna do this graphic design thing for the rest of my life, i really have to FORCE MYSELF to have a life... as i've been told by some of the design upper-years and the graphic designers they spoke with during their internship sessions. and aside from that, it finally hit me to do these projects for myself and not for the prof... to do these projects and enjoy them and be proud of them and not worry about the mark that i get back... cuz ultimately, the thing that the employers are gonna see when i go for my interviews and what not is the project, not the mark that came with it.
arrite this is getting kinda lengthy and class is gonna start up again. hopefully i'll get more time to blog and maybe redo this page to reflect a l'il more of me and a l'il less of blogger. :) till later.. be blessed all! :D